


The One Thing You Can’t Replace

by orphan_account



Category: DCU, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Jasons pov, Outlaws, Party, Rating for Language, Teen Titans - Freeform, This Is A Disaster, Underage Drinking, Young Justice - Freeform, but remember this is told from jasons perspective so, i love oliver hes not actually an asshole usually, justice league - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is why Jason doesn’t drink anymore.





	The One Thing You Can’t Replace

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of John Mulaney’s “The One Thing You Can’t Replace” from New in Town.   
> Well, not based off of as much as “I really just wondered what this would be like in the DCU even though there is zero original content here.”
> 
> Told from Jason’s POV.

Do you ever have that one adult in your life who is just a complete and utter _asshole?_

Well, yeah, we all do, because we all are living, breathing humanoids. Obviously.

But this isn’t a story about an adult being an asshole. No, this is far, _far_ worse. It’s a story about an asshole vigilante with a protégé that had tons of superpowered friends.

And that asshole was none other than Oliver fucking Queen.

So, by definition, the protégé was Roy Harper. He’s a fairly well-liked guy. Not super popular, but he had some close friends and friendly acquaintances. I know he’s one of my best friends.

But man, did everyone and their third cousin _loathe_ Oliver.

As teenagers do, naturally, Roy threw a party in the Arrowcave while the Green Arrow was partaking in an off-world mission.

Now, make no mistake: when I tell you that Roy Harper has had his fair amount of fuck ups, it’s not an exaggeration. No, Roy Harper has fucked up more times than anyone–superhuman or otherwise–can count. But this? This was by far the _worst_.

It seemed like every young hero heard about the party. Every Teen Titan, every Young Justice member; every sidekick, every protégé. We all heard about it, and then we all collectively think, _let’s go fuck shit up._

So I walk in, and everyone I’ve ever met is there.

Worse? Everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world.

One hundred percent unsupervised, one hundred percent disaster.

Listen, I know I don’t live in Wayne Manor anymore, but I visit enough to know that that place is a carnival. Now take that, add superpowers and alcohol, then multiply it by sixty. You _might_ be able to picture a _vague_ resemblance of what this was like.

I walk into a side room, see a pool table, and only get to think “sweet” for a few seconds before Garfield Logan took a running start and threw his body (while transformed into a _hippo_ ) onto the pool table. Needless to say, it crumbled to pieces.

Raven found on which computer was Oliver’s, shit on it, then proceeded to use dark magic _on_ the shit. No one dared ask what the spell was.

It was simultaneously the best _and_ worst party I have ever been to. Fucking _fantastic_.

So, I’m standing in the room, holding a red solo cup–similar to the ones you see in shitty high school movies–and I’m starting to black out. Still entirely conscious, but alcohol works in magical ways.

But, I guess someone had said something like, “ _blah blah_ Justice League,” and, in a brilliant display of drunken word-association, I screamed, “FUCK THE JUSTICE LEAGUE! _FUCK_ THE _JUSTICE LEAGUE_!”

_And everyone joined in._

What was easily over a hundred highly trained and drunken individuals (some of which had fucking _superpowers_ ) all collectively chanting, “ _FUCK THE JUSTICE LEAGUE!”_

Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.

The _actual_ reason someone had said “ _blah blah_ Justice League” was because the Justice League was actually _there_.

Diana Prince walks into the room, standing at the doorway and staring out at a sea a drunk toddlers screaming “ _FUCK THE JUSTICE LEAGUE!_ ” and _laughs_.

Of course, then Wally West smashed a bottle of speedster alcohol and yelled, “SCATTER!” while running in hopelessly bright circles.

We are all way too drunk to actually do something mildly intelligent, so all of us just run off in random directions. It was kind of like that scene–and I hate making this comparison, but it is shockingly accurate–but that scene in Ratatouille where a human comes into the kitchen and all the rats go off in different directions.

I broke the lock on the laundry room door (nice to know I can still break locks while drunk), climbed onto the washing machine, smashed the window, and tumbled out.

Running through the backyard of what used to be the Queen’s Family Mansion, I notice a _huge_ chain link fence surrounding the perimeter.

A quick thought pops into my head, “I’ve never climbed a fence _that_ high before!”

Then _I woke up at home._

And, honestly, I wish that was the end of it. I wish it was just a really wild, out of hand party, but I’m _Jason Todd_. It’s _never_ just an out of hand party.

On Monday night, I met up with the Outlaws. Inevitably, Roy Harper was there, because it’s a small team, and Roy is my friend.

No chit-chat, no smalltalk, Roy just walks right up to me and asks if I was at his party.

Well, because I’m a lying liar who lies, I lied through my teeth. I told Roy that, _no_ , I _wasn’t_ at his party.

I can still remember the obvious and pure guilt in Roy’s eyes (even though _I_ had been the one who had just lied) as he told me how out-of-hand things got. “Someone broke the pool table, someone shit on Oliver’s computer-“ I just nodded along, pretending to be surprised and shocked. “-but the worst part is that someone had stolen _antique photos_ of Oliver’s grandparents! He’s freaking out about it!”

My heart stopped beating right then and there as I had that exclusive black-out-drunks-only-club thought: _did I do that?_

After my heart began beating normally again and I regained logical thought, I figured, _no, I wouldn’t have done that!_

But even with no memory of the photos and unable being able to find them at home, I was never _really_ sure.

Well, until two years later.

I’m hanging out with Damian in his room. Two years later, the party had pretty much become a vague afterthought; a memory that really only existed as fuel for my nightmares.

We’re just sitting around, and then Damian says, “Hey, come here, I want to show you something.”

So he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom, one I never actually knew was there. I’m sure Bruce and Alfred know about it, possibly Tim as well, but the fact that I didn’t, and I had once _lived_ here? That’s pretty fucking scary.

We step into the (tiny) room, and my jaw _drops_.

It’s covered wall to wall with _antique photos_ from _different people’s parties_ that he had gone to over the years.

And I said, in a voice so quiet and timid that it may not even qualify as a whisper, “ _Why? Why do you do this?”_

Damian looked between all his photos, admiring his work before he told me, “Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.”

I don’t drink anymore.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i VERY strongly suggest looking this guy up he is HILARIOUS (i almost did the xantax one but figured this would be better)
> 
> thank you for reading!!!


End file.
